People Don't Make You Angry, You Make You Angry

I am angry! I am frustrated and I am sad. I had the hard conversation tonight (uninviting someone who had broken trust and hurt people I loved). I was trying not to be hurtful. I was trying not to hurt her and to prevent her from hurting more people. Selfishly, I was also trying to get out of worrying or feeling like I was babysitting.

She took it fairly well in that she didn't ask me why. She didn't say I was being unfair and she didn't demand that I change my mind. I felt awful for making her cry and I felt bad for being the bad guy -- because no matter how mean I think I am, I really am a big softee in real life.

That feeling of guilt/saddness was short lived. She came back in the room less than 10 minutes later and told me she understood where I was coming from but she wanted me to know that she thought that I handled it really poorly.

I was in shock. I was sad that she felt that way and sooooooo angry at how unfair I thought she was being. I handled it the only way that I knew and how could she not see how hard it had been for me. Why had she put me in that position at all? Common decency would have been for her to have taken a step back and not force me to tell her she needed to take a step back. . . .

Then I started thinking about every thing she's done that's made me mad. Every stupid comment she's made. How it's okay for her to say whatever the hell she wants when she's angry and hurt people with her careless words but how we are expected to not only suck it up and not be hurt by it but to pussy foot around and not hurt her at all.

I am sick of her drama. I am sick of feeling manipulated and wondering if she's only in the church because she knows she can work the system to her benefit. Telling some people some stories and others other stories relying on people not to divulge her secrets out of respect/not wanting to gossip and relying on Christian charity to the point of simply using people.

I don't want to deal with any of it any more. The happiest I have been all year was the Thanksgiving break I mentioned already (you know, the one where I was so sick I went to the emergency room and fell down the stairs). As I mentioned in my first post, I have felt increasingly tired this year. Poured out beyond belief. I feel like every group I am involved in has some new drama and I don't have the energy for any of them.

I know that Christians are called to fellowship together. I know the New Testament is full of stories about how hard that is and encouragement for how to acheive it. I know that God should be sufficient for me. I know that I should offer this woman grace and not be filled with anger toward her or want to do violence to something. But somehow knowing all of that doesn't help. . . .

My pastor in college gave the advice that I used as the title of this post and another friend I was screaming at about this situation (because I am just that mature) said to me, "you're responsible for how angry you get. You can either let her get to you or you can rise above it." She's right, totally and thoroughly right. And yet, I feel stuck wallowing in the anger, wanting to lash out and hurt this woman for all the hurt she's inflicted on people I love or to point out all of her inconsistencies and her total lack of regard for people whose trust she says she wants to build. But what would it accomplish? I don't think I'd feel better and at this point I think it would just open up another opportunity for her to be critical (and probably rightfully so. . . .).

So that's my current turmoil. . . .