Negativity Hangover

I started this blog way back when because I couldn't deal with all the frustrations in my life. I have actually been far less frustrated since I started this blog, but I feel like venting today.

I had a really frustrating night last night and I am trying to work through the frustration, and sadness left over from it. To that end, I am making a list of frustrations, hoping that that helps let them go.

1. last night's Bible study was very argumentative. Not debate, which I find interesting and engaging, fully argumentative. There have been nights like this before, but somehow last night it was worse than usual because most of the more vocal people were missing and so the fighting was limited to more one on one battles with some of the quieter folks timidly trying to enter the conversation and then bowing out. The leader I think felt attacked and actually said at one point, this may be the last study led by me (we're two weeks into an eight week study). I left the study feeling rather discouraged instead of encouraged -- never a good thing when you're about to go out and be strong and encouraging to people who are searching/downtrodden -- I mean even Jesus asked for a break once. . . .

2. A fight broke out in the line for coffee last night. The number of people out there has increased dramatically (we're running out of food and clothes by 8:30). We probably had about 30 or 40 people in line and somehow a fight broke out. I am not sure what it was about I could only see the remains of a cup of coffee on the ground, hear shouting and see the raising of fists. While the people in line tried to break it up and kept telling the guys, "not in front of the church people" I was frustrated that the guys who are in our group didn't even look up or stand ready should the fight spill over into any pocket of women from the outreach team (everyone on the outreach team has been instructed not to step into a fight, but there's a difference between stepping into a fight and maintaining safety).

3. When it started sprinkling (and mind you rain was scheduled for the evening) people on the team freaked out. They asked if we should cross the street and seek shelter there. They insisted that we circle up immediately and start worship/sermon etc. Even though it was 15 min early. I was annoyed by this because they should have been prepared for rain, I was also annoyed because it wasn't that hard, AND (as I am sure all you non-outreach members are thinking) the people we're serving have to sleep in the rain!!! We're going to woos (sp?) out when they're just stuck there?! Come on. Suck it up people.

4. All week I have been looking forward to singing a song we first heard at the wedding we went to last Saturday. It's a lively song with hand/body motions. It's easy to learn, a catchy tune and the sheer joy emanating from everyone doing it at the wedding was so contagious I really wanted to bring that out to the common. I mentioned to several people before we went outside how excited about it I was. I was so incredibly discouraged when people when we tried to sing the song and people were incredibly negative. The song was not sung with any of the spirit I had hoped for and 5 outreach members out of the 20 who were there did the motions. When suzib asked for an action word to put in the song one person said (with what I felt was a tone) "why don't you try pray, it's actually a lyric in the song." It was at that moment that I wanted to scream f you. F you all.

I worked hard to hold it together all night. To try and make comments during small group. To try and make the fight calm down, sending a guy over with coffee to replace the lost coffee, joking with one of the offenders to try and make him drop it. I was supportive of the plan to start the singing/sermonette early even though I thought we could handle staying outside. I was loud and exuberant through the singing while few people could even fake giving a damn. And when the singing was done, I shut down. I left the circle. I couldn't deal with the people on my "team" any more.

I am sure that this is not all their fault. That a good part of blame can fall on me. Heck, the bits of the sermonette I heard really were speaking to the turmoil I was going through (happiness is dependent on circumstances, we must strive for joy). I just felt failed by our group last night. I was angry and hurt and tired of most of them. . . .

On the other hand, the people on the common that I talked to were really encouraging. When we got out there one guy ran ahead and asked a person sitting on the bench we usually use if he could get up so the church people could set up to help the homeless. I liked that the people in line trying to stop the fight wanted it to end for one part because they respect us and don't want us hurt/scared. I like that one of the guys came up to me and was talking about how angry he got when people out there demanded stuff from us, and acted like we owed them something (there was also a funny moment where he slurred something he said and I thought he said "I hate those drunks" and I repeated it back as a question because he was obviously drunk and he said "no, not drunks, druggies, I'm a drunk.").

I was pained to hear the shock in his voice when the guy who had cleared the bench for me found out I was from Park Street. I was saddened when he said, "really, I would never have thought they would come out here. They seem like such an unfriendly church." I was pleased when he said that none of us out there on Thursday nights were unfriendly though, and I laughed when he described the bitterness of another outreach team that comes out where one woman actually said, "God, I can't wait to be done with this."

It was a bitter sweet night. I was so unhappy with my team and yet, so happy with the homeless. . . .

In other frustrations, the woman I blogged about once earlier, continues to wreck havoc and while I do feel badly for her, I am also tired of the same issues coming up again and again and that people aren't being warned so they can be prevented from being victims.

To balance the frustrations and turmoil they induce, I do have the excitement of a picnic on the beach to look forward to. My friend is having a birthday and she let me plan it. We're having a road trip to hull beach and then we're having ball shaped food as a theme, you know like cheese balls, mozzarella tomato skewers etc. I'll tell you everything people bring when I update about my weekend :).

Thanks for letting me vent.