Sarah Jackman

When I was little my grandfather used to sing Sarah Jackman to me and I loved it. I mean it's a fun song, it has my name in it, what could be better?

Today I was reminded of the song when someone I haven't spoken to in ages sent me a random email. It turns out I was included on the email accidentally. She did ask me how my life was going (since we haven't talked in well over a year). She has settled into married life and had a baby since the last time I saw her. The biggest news in my life is that I have started taking a multivitamin.

I am not jealous of where she is in her life. I mean I am still in the pining for a puppy stage and then realizing it's far too much responsibility for me (perhaps this is what happens to people when they wait too long to get married, at 20 I wanted five kids). Anyway, it got me to thinking about accomplishments and what I do with my life.

Another friend of mine said to me this week, I don't know how you do it. I just couldn't keep up the pace you do. That's really sweet and yet, when I look back on what I do week to week I usually can't pin one big thing down. . . .

Unlike most products of the 80's I wasn't raised to think I could change the world. My parents were too much the realists to implant that kind of self-esteem crap into my sister and I. Yet, sometimes I look back on how days fly by at a break neck pace and wonder what I am doing.

Another friend once told me people don't like me because of what I do, they like me because of who I am. I have a hard time understanding that, because who I am is so wrapped up in what I do. My Tuesday night small group is studying James and he's pretty emphatic that if you have faith you do. You don't just listen, you act.

I do act, I am busy (and at this point, a lot of the time I'm not too busy, just booked), but when someone asks me what I have been up to it's still hard to show something exciting or interesting I have been up to.

Perhaps I just concentrate more on one of my favorite passages from Rats (which I recommend you read if you haven't):

On the way, we ran into an acquaintance, a guy whom we knew from high school who knew nothing of our rat endeavor -- a central paradox of life in the city is that in the midst of several million people, each of whom seems to live a life in complete anonymity, you can run into someone you know. As we greeted our friend, I moved the trap from my right hand to my left hand so that my right hand would be free to shake his. As I did this, I noticed that the guy looked down at the trap but didn't say anything.

Then he looked up and said "So what are you guys up to?"
I was practically bursting with my answer, of course. "We're going to try and trap rats, " I said.

He looked me up and down and nodded hesitantly. Then he looked at Dave and said, "So, Dave, What are you up to?"

Next time, that's going to be my answer when someone asks me what I have been up to.