I'm still cranky and unhappy.
I called my best friend last night because she can usually cheer me through a bad mood and out onto the other side to humor just laced with pure bitterness. She was busy (though in fairness she called me an hour and a half later to check on me even though she was the only one working on her floor so that was sweet and earned her serious bonus points in the people I am willing to talk to arena).
I called home assuming my father would answer the phone and would jolly me along with tales of the ridiculous (you know like moose catching buses and the tried and true joke of the post office). He didn't answer. My mother did. I love my mother, but she and I have a tense relationship at best. Oddly enough, my mother was kind of down last night too. Even more oddly, she and I managed to carry on a conversation for over 30 minutes without pushing either person's buttons.
I made it home and finally found my computer (which probably wouldn't have been so hard to find on a good day but was made even more maddening on an already rotten day) and promptly took a test to determine whether I have borderline personality. It was all very scientific. Sadly, I can't blame my poor attitude on a disease (at least not the disease of borderline personality).
Perhaps I'll have to go back to the family favorite and just take depression. When I was talking to my mom last night I said that I was really cranky, but I was also fairly sad. She said she was depressed. I said maybe I am too. She said, "you could be, you come from a long line of depressives, it's like you've been bred for it like a Kentucky derby favorite." I like that. I like imagining breeding for depression. Lets take these Polish Jews and mix them with some German Farmers (you know so you get the stubbornness that refuses as much help as possible) and see how that turns out. Turns out you get a strong willed person who is sad when people don't offer to help her and gets cranky at the least provocation. . . .
Here's hoping my mood improves tonight. I am trying to self-medicate, good friends, guacamole and gin (the latter being an old family remedy -- if the gin doesn't work maybe I'll try tab and rum).
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3 comments:
I'm sorry you're cranky. Maybe it's going around, because I've been awfully cranky myself the last two days, and I'm never cranky. Too bad I didn't get to see you last night--maybe we could have jolted each other out of it. I think your gin and guacamole idea is excellent, though. If ti works, we can revisit our sangria therapy (without a couple of key ingredients :) ) I love you, my dear. I hope you feel better.
Yes, there's nothing like taking a depressant when you're feeling down. It's worked so well for our family, too hasn't it?
Serotonin modulation that's the key to mindless bliss. It's like meditation, but with so much less effort, and so much faster, too.
Sorry I missed your call. I was out bike riding which was pretty fun till I fell off. I managed to make it home before the blood reached my sock. As much as I love my bike, does it ever love me back?
My tiny observation--
Depression is only useful as a diagnosis insofar as it can give you insight towards managing it and taking care of yourself. As a label, it's nice to get some affirmation that something actually is wrong beyond "a bad mood." But besides that, it's a label that can become limiting on its own.
I haven't seen you in a while and I know a lot can change; that said, I think you're right that you're maybe prone to depression and melancholy. The question becomes how to make self-awareness work for you. It might be useful to see a therapist (I think it's useful for anyone, if you can find a good one; you don't need capital-P Problems for it to be fruitful). It's obviously not for me to say, but if you can afford it it might be worth a shot, especially if this funk is really pulling you down.
As ever, you can give me a ring if I can be any comfort or use. I've gone the rounds with this sort of thing but also try to be non-judgemental and non-presumptuous about it all.
Peace, honey. Take care of yourself.
Jen in Portland (for now)rischa1
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